Sex blogger and journalist (also, my first cousin) Rabbit White has declared February 22 to be Lady Porn Day. Rabbit says that, "At it’s heart, this is about celebrating pornography and masturbation." Lady Porn Day provides an opportunity for all who are interested to discuss, explore, and share personal porn experiences, philosophies, and opinions. I am honored to be a part of the Lady Porn Day team.
This post contains content that is not normally seen on my personal blog. I discuss my personal and private (until now) experiences with pornography, masturbation, and my own sexuality. Consider yourself warned.
I was not always someone who was interested in porn. Pornography was never discussed in my home or in my sex education classes. I was left completely in the dark. Despite my regular teenage masturbation habit, I developed the idea that if porn was not discussed amongst women, then it must not be worthwhile. Having no one to talk to, I just assumed that everyone masturbated the same way I did: late at night, under the covers, squeezing my eyes shut and holding my breath, terrified that someone would hear me or burst into the room.
Eventually, curiosity got the best of me. I saw my first “Skinemax” flick on a lonely evening when I was about 17. I watched one sex scene, felt that special tingle in my jeans…and promptly turned off the flick and headed to bed. I had never seen something like that, something so brazenly open about the act of sex and all of its pleasures, so I was confused by how aroused I was. This was the first time that I had been aroused by visual stimuli rather than spontaneous curiosity and exploration.
My late-night encounter was a revelation. I wanted to explore this type of arousal further, but being a timid teenager with no resources, I felt my options were limited. For several years, I found pleasure and enjoyment in what I had access to: TV series on DVD. I had a penchant for developing hard-core crushes on television characters. Why not turn these silly teenage crushes into masturbatory fodder? I would have been more than happy to have any of the men from CSI dust my body for evidence, Spike was more than welcome to ravage me in his Sunnydale crypt, and mounting Sam Seaborn in the Roosevelt Room was never out of the question.
I’ve gotten much more comfortable with searching for porn since then. I regularly cruise cable TV for delicious soft-core porn. The introduction of On Demand cable into my life has enhanced my porn-viewing habits, and now my brain holds a database of titles, production companies, and performers. My favorite movies are always there, day or night, waiting for me.
It’s taken years of self-exploration, but I have finally realized what elements of porn turn me on: ambiguity and genuine pleasure.
If something has a mystery about it, I find it sexy. This love of ambiguity is precisely why I have never been able to get into hardcore porn. I don’t want to see everything. The in-and-out of penetration feels amazing, but in my opinion, a closeup of said penetration looks unpleasant. I’d rather let my imaginative mind wander. This is why I find erotic literature so effective. The descriptive language allows me to take the reigns in visualization. Every time I read an erotic short story, I envision myself and whomever I see fit to fill the role(s) of the lovers. That’s the beauty of ambiguity—you can fill in the blanks to fit your desired interpretation.
Genuine pleasure is a major element for me. I’ve seen my fair share of porn performers ooh and aah their way through a scene and it just doesn’t work for me. I’d rather see a female performer’s face contorted in pleasure, her body convulsing, her breath shortening. You see, when I watch porn, I look for that genuine pleasure so that I can live vicariously through her. If it appears that a performer is trying to “look sexy,” I’m not into it. I want to look at a female performer and think, “Whoa. That looks like fun.” Witnessing genuine pleasure inspires me to pursue my own genuine pleasure.
Today, I feel no shame about the role porn plays in my life. Porn is about exploration. Not just exploring the world of pornography and sexuality, but exploring YOURSELF. What intrigues you, what makes you feel a connection. Building a relationship with porn is a full mind-body experience. Exploring my sexuality through pornography and masturbation has not only given me a sense of self-awareness about my body, it has also given me the strength to assert myself, to say, “This is what I want in my life. This is what makes me feel powerful and in control.”
So today, I can say with confidence that my relationship and experiences with porn are important, empowering, and most importantly, they are mine. No one can ever take away from me, and that is pretty fucking sexy.
