This blog is part of a series of posts that chronicle my participation in Reverb 10. Reverb 10 is an online event that encourages its participants to reflect on the past year and gear up for what's to come in the next. A prompt is given each day to fuel some personal reflection. Although I'm a little late on starting the challenge, I'm still looking forward to 18 days of honesty, acceptance, and growth.
December 14 – Appreciate
What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? (Author: Victoria Klein)
I find that I have come to appreciate people this past year. Living with Asperger's, it is sometimes difficult for me to understand the purpose of having people constantly in your life. I have a tendency to shut people out and keep to myself. I find it difficult to ask for help or assistance, partly because I want to prove myself but also because there is a part of me that doesn't understand that the people in my life would not view helping me as a burden.
I have immense appreciation for the people in my life (family, friends, peers, coaches, directors) who support me without question and allow me to burst into their lives from time to time, ranting and raving about who-knows-what. I appreciate anyone that has supported me and given me praise and encouragement this year, whether it was in regards to theatre performances, speech competitions, or blogging endeavors. The people who say, "YES YOU CAN!" are a huge part of what pushes me forward in what I do.
Despite truly appreciating what I have been given, I have difficulty showing my appreciation. It's that whole "give-and-take" thing that Aspy's lack, not just in conversational eloquence, but also in those mysterious unspoken social interactions. Things like love, support, concern, empathy. As an adult, I can now accept these things in my life and process them, but showing my appreciation and gratitude is still difficult. Reciprocity has been a great place for me to start. I support those who support me, I assist those who assist me, etc. However, I still find myself wondering, "Are there other ways I can show my appreciation other than mirroring what is given to me?" This is probably common sense for neuro-typical adults, but it is a concept that does not come as easily to me.
I have a tugging need to thank the amazing people in my life who support me. A simple "thank you" won't cut it. There's got to be something more, right?
So in the next year, I'm going to continue in my growth. I will continue to let people in and appreciate the fact that they honestly want to be a part of my life. Hopefully, I can find a way to communicate my appreciation to them. Perhaps the best way to start is to make them proud. I want to keep doing the things that make people believe in me. While I have to remember to grow for myself, I think it's more than okay to have those other people in the back of my mind when I'm working towards my goal. The people who say, "Keep going, you can do it," because I appreciate their love, friendship, and support more than anything.
Showing posts with label autism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label autism. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
National Coming Out Day-- My Own "Coming Out" Story
For those of you not in the know, today is National Coming Out Day, or as I'll be abbreviating it for the purposes of brevity (REDUNDANT), NCOD. The purpose of NCOD is to provide nation-wide love and support for anyone who has spent far too long living in fear of publicly identifying as LGBTQ. There's a spirit of, "We're all in this together," whether you're just now coming out, have already come out, or identify as a straight ally.
Now, I don't want to underscore the LGBT community in any way, but I know I'm not alone in what I'd like to do today. The Beautiful Kind used today as an opportunity to come out--as herself. After four years of anonymous sex blogging, Kendra has revealed her real name as well as her beautiful face. Kudos, Kendra! You are inspiration to me and you make me feel comfortable doing what I am about to do.
Today, I am coming out. My coming out has nothing to do with sexuality. What I want to talk about is something a few people in my life know about, but I feel that today is the day that I can embrace it and let everyone know who I am.
Today, I am coming out...as an autistic adult.
I have an autism-spectrum disorder called Asperger Syndrome. Asperger Syndrome is characterized by:
It wasn't until I was 21 and my mother read an article about Jenny McCarthy's son. The part of the article that got to the both of us was that her son would play with his toys by lining them up and just looking at them excitedly. I was catapulted back to my childhood. I could see myself lining up small toys in a perfect line on my kitchen table. After setting them up, I would sit back and imagine scenarios for them in my head, occasionally moving them slightly. This is how I played. What my parents saw was different. They saw their daughter lining up toys perfectly and then staring at them, wildly flapping her hands. The moving of the toys that I mentioned? Each toy would make a quarter-turn before I would stop and continue the flapping. Reading that article, my entire childhood made sense. I never understood why I was the way I was; I just assumed I was weird. But now there was a concrete cause for my awkwardness and weirdness. There wasn't something wrong with me. My peculiarities could be explained. I cannot even describe the comfort and relief I have felt by being able to know that I am an Aspy.
Since my autism went unnoticed until adulthood, adolescence forced a lot of my quirks to be hidden. I became aware of my hand flapping and made a conscious effort to hide it and control it when around others. I got better at pretending I had social schools, mimicking what other girls my age did (to an extent). I was still an abnormal kid, but I found a way to make it work for me. A person who meets me now and learns of my condition is usually in disbelief. I'm fairly high-functioning, so I understand that it can be a little hard to believe.
As high-functioning as I may be (going to school, living on my own for a time), I still have difficulties. I have hid behind these difficulties, never telling people about them unless it was absolutely necessary. Today, I'm gonna lay everything out here.
I still have intense difficulties with social interactions. I second-guess everything I say. I don't know how to engage in small talk or chit-chat. Even though I can dole out sarcasm and teasing, I have difficulties seeing these things in others (I tend to take them seriously unless I am told that someone is joking). Maintaining eye contact is incredibly uncomfortable for me. My gaze can drift up or down or to the side while talking, all outside my control. If I am overwhelmed or tired, I may not look someone in the eye at all. I become extremely embarrassed if someone points out that my eye contact is wonky.
I have auditory sensitivity. Squeaky or shrill noises make me physically uncomfortable. Public places a variety of loud noises cause me to shut down socially and retreat into my own head. Overstimulation can cause me to either become distant or have an actual panic attack. Alone time is a necessity in my life.
My empathy has improved since I was a child. I now give hugs to family members. I cry when mourning a death. I can attempt to understood other people's feelings if I can imagine myself in their situation. However, sometimes I find it difficult to empathize with feelings I do not understand or rationalize. The only family member I can say "I love you" to is my sister.
Change is really scary. Like, "throw-my-entire-day-off" scary. Before anything, a social outing, for example. I plan and envision everything. What time I will begin to get ready, where we will go, what we will do, how I will interact with people, etc. If something small, like the location, changes, I.am.THROWN. I panic, cry, and have to start my planning all over again. Because of this, I am rarely spontaneous.
Despite my difficulties, I like to think that my Asperger Syndrome has some benefits. Not having natural social skills, I spent most of my adolescence and college years studying others and how they communicate. Because of this, I have been able to identify poor communication skills and can now avoid these behaviors. My people-watching has actually provided me with mature communication skills that help me have healthier relationships than most of my peers. I approach everything analytically, which I feel can help me in giving advice. Instead of responding with emotions, I am able to give advice that is rooted in calm, rational logic.
Living with Asperger Syndrome is a daily struggle and at the end of a long, busy day, I am exhausted. However, I am am grateful to be living like this. Being an Aspy makes me a unique and interesting individual. Despite my struggles, I enjoy looking at the world through a different kind of lens.
So today, I am done hiding behind autism. I will no longer assume that a stigma will be attached to me or that people will treat me differently. Autism is nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of. By opening up about this, I hope to increase awareness, understanding, and education about autism-spectrum disorders and to remind people that autism doesn't look as "different" as one might think.
If you want more information about autism, I would actually recommend visiting a bookstore rather than searching the internet. Want to ask me a question about my experiences? Feel free.
I AM PROUD TO BE AN ASPY. <3
Now, I don't want to underscore the LGBT community in any way, but I know I'm not alone in what I'd like to do today. The Beautiful Kind used today as an opportunity to come out--as herself. After four years of anonymous sex blogging, Kendra has revealed her real name as well as her beautiful face. Kudos, Kendra! You are inspiration to me and you make me feel comfortable doing what I am about to do.
Today, I am coming out. My coming out has nothing to do with sexuality. What I want to talk about is something a few people in my life know about, but I feel that today is the day that I can embrace it and let everyone know who I am.
Today, I am coming out...as an autistic adult.
I have an autism-spectrum disorder called Asperger Syndrome. Asperger Syndrome is characterized by:
- Difficulties in social interactions
- Repetitive patterns of behavior
- Intensely obsessive interests/hobbies
- Limited empathy
- Body tics, such as hand flapping, or twisting
- Sensitivity to excess stimuli (especially auditory)
It wasn't until I was 21 and my mother read an article about Jenny McCarthy's son. The part of the article that got to the both of us was that her son would play with his toys by lining them up and just looking at them excitedly. I was catapulted back to my childhood. I could see myself lining up small toys in a perfect line on my kitchen table. After setting them up, I would sit back and imagine scenarios for them in my head, occasionally moving them slightly. This is how I played. What my parents saw was different. They saw their daughter lining up toys perfectly and then staring at them, wildly flapping her hands. The moving of the toys that I mentioned? Each toy would make a quarter-turn before I would stop and continue the flapping. Reading that article, my entire childhood made sense. I never understood why I was the way I was; I just assumed I was weird. But now there was a concrete cause for my awkwardness and weirdness. There wasn't something wrong with me. My peculiarities could be explained. I cannot even describe the comfort and relief I have felt by being able to know that I am an Aspy.
Since my autism went unnoticed until adulthood, adolescence forced a lot of my quirks to be hidden. I became aware of my hand flapping and made a conscious effort to hide it and control it when around others. I got better at pretending I had social schools, mimicking what other girls my age did (to an extent). I was still an abnormal kid, but I found a way to make it work for me. A person who meets me now and learns of my condition is usually in disbelief. I'm fairly high-functioning, so I understand that it can be a little hard to believe.
As high-functioning as I may be (going to school, living on my own for a time), I still have difficulties. I have hid behind these difficulties, never telling people about them unless it was absolutely necessary. Today, I'm gonna lay everything out here.
I still have intense difficulties with social interactions. I second-guess everything I say. I don't know how to engage in small talk or chit-chat. Even though I can dole out sarcasm and teasing, I have difficulties seeing these things in others (I tend to take them seriously unless I am told that someone is joking). Maintaining eye contact is incredibly uncomfortable for me. My gaze can drift up or down or to the side while talking, all outside my control. If I am overwhelmed or tired, I may not look someone in the eye at all. I become extremely embarrassed if someone points out that my eye contact is wonky.
I have auditory sensitivity. Squeaky or shrill noises make me physically uncomfortable. Public places a variety of loud noises cause me to shut down socially and retreat into my own head. Overstimulation can cause me to either become distant or have an actual panic attack. Alone time is a necessity in my life.
My empathy has improved since I was a child. I now give hugs to family members. I cry when mourning a death. I can attempt to understood other people's feelings if I can imagine myself in their situation. However, sometimes I find it difficult to empathize with feelings I do not understand or rationalize. The only family member I can say "I love you" to is my sister.
Change is really scary. Like, "throw-my-entire-day-off" scary. Before anything, a social outing, for example. I plan and envision everything. What time I will begin to get ready, where we will go, what we will do, how I will interact with people, etc. If something small, like the location, changes, I.am.THROWN. I panic, cry, and have to start my planning all over again. Because of this, I am rarely spontaneous.
Despite my difficulties, I like to think that my Asperger Syndrome has some benefits. Not having natural social skills, I spent most of my adolescence and college years studying others and how they communicate. Because of this, I have been able to identify poor communication skills and can now avoid these behaviors. My people-watching has actually provided me with mature communication skills that help me have healthier relationships than most of my peers. I approach everything analytically, which I feel can help me in giving advice. Instead of responding with emotions, I am able to give advice that is rooted in calm, rational logic.
Living with Asperger Syndrome is a daily struggle and at the end of a long, busy day, I am exhausted. However, I am am grateful to be living like this. Being an Aspy makes me a unique and interesting individual. Despite my struggles, I enjoy looking at the world through a different kind of lens.
So today, I am done hiding behind autism. I will no longer assume that a stigma will be attached to me or that people will treat me differently. Autism is nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of. By opening up about this, I hope to increase awareness, understanding, and education about autism-spectrum disorders and to remind people that autism doesn't look as "different" as one might think.
If you want more information about autism, I would actually recommend visiting a bookstore rather than searching the internet. Want to ask me a question about my experiences? Feel free.
I AM PROUD TO BE AN ASPY. <3
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