My week WITHOUT bullet points: February 28-March 6, 2011

Once again, I'm a day late. I needed yesterday to veg out with a film festival of Showgirls, Sid & Nancy, and To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar. But I was thinking about my week in bullet points. The more I thought about it, however, I realized it would just be one bullet point as my week pretty much revolved around one event, an event that would define my week in a matter of two days. My week is worthy of a full-fledged post. So here's what happened to me last week, just in case you missed it.

It started out badly. Monday was emotionally draining on a level I had not experienced in a long time. Things were said by people in different areas of my life that were hurtful. The words themselves are not important to this story. What is important to know is how these words made me feel. At the end of the first row, I felt shunned, unlikeable, and stripped of my power. By the end of the second, I felt as if there was nothing I could do to please anyone. I was ready to give up.

On Tuesday morning, I woke up with a new outlook. It occurred to me that I was stronger than I had been made to feel the day before. I felt powerful and ambitious. My vision was clear. Rather than getting down on myself because of things other people had to say, I said, "Fuck 'em." I didn't have the time to worry about petty arguments because I had the IIFA State Forensics tournament to work towards. It had been a fabulous tournament the year before (taking all three of my events to finals, connecting with my team), and I was determined to make this year even better.

With a packed coaching schedule and Lady Gaga on repeat in my car, I had a goal: Ignore the haters and break at least two events to finals. I spent the week focused on staying strong and finding the vulnerability necessary to make my events as amazing as they could be. I felt more prepared than I ever have before a tournament.

I performed my ass off at the tournament on Friday and Saturday. I strutted around Northern Illinois University with purpose and confidence. I never questioned myself or compared myself to other competitors. I laid everything out for the world to see and it felt good.

Turns out that all the hard work I put in paid off: not only did I break all four of my events to finals, but I finished in the top three of each event. It was an incredible feeling and a tremendous personal accomplishment. I visualized my ideal outcome and I made it happen. Pretty friggin' cool, right?

So from now on, I'm not going to let other people stand in the way of not only what I want from life, but what   I need from life. I need to look out for myself, to do what's best for me. I need to remind myself daily to truly own my life and my decisions. I will not be taken down by those who are threatened by my strength and I will not compromise my needs because I want to please everyone.

This week served as the ultimate proof that I have the power to make things happen for me. I have the strength to get what I need from life. I feel like I really do have the strength and the capability to make big, scary changes in my life, changes that will bring me relief, happiness, and fulfillment.

If I'm Born This Way, then I must Express Myself.

Something happened to me last night when Lady Gaga took the stage at the 53rd Anual Grammy Awards last night. Gaga was not new to me, "Born This Way" was not new to me, and her theatrical stage elements were certainly not new to me. But when Lady Gaga emerged from her alien pod and I saw her face and heard her voice singing those words, I was riveted. By the time she waltzed up to her Haunted Mansion organ, there was a bizarre surge of emotions and I could honestly feel myself growing misty. If my mom hadn't been sitting next me, I probably would have cried a little from the uplifting and encouraging vibes that emanated from my television. After a shitty, shitty weekend, I was ready to give into the misery and give up. I was ready to give up on school, on Forensics, on trying to be a prodtucive member of society. As ridiculous as it sounds, Lady Gaga was my angel last night. An angel that said, "You're on the right track, baby."

And you know what? I just might be on the right track, thanks to Mother Monster. After that perforamce,  I was a born-again Little Monster. I perked up, went back to work, and got some things accomplished. The coming week suddenly seemed less daunting.

HOWEVER! (dum dum DUUUUUUM!)

Someone had to rain on my parade. Or remind me that I left my cake out in the rain. Take your pick.

As could have been predicted by a howler monkey, the Internet has been in an uproar (or something like that), saying that "Born This Way" is a rip-off of the classic Madonna track, "Express Yourself." Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I don't care. Similar chords and/or song structures be damned. To me, they are two different messages from two different women without whom I would be nothing.

"Express Yourself," to me, is a song that tells girls we have choices in our romantic entanglements. Madonna teaches us that second-best is not even close to good enough in a relationship and that we are strong enough to make that kind of informed and empowered decision about our sex lives. She warns of the traps of the lavish gifter. Just because he gets you the diamond rings or the "fancy cars that go very fast," does not mean he's bought your heart. No one buys my heart. When I was a child, Madonna's words taught me that I had the right to express my thoughts, my opinions, and my desires. She taught me that (and this was a concept I wouldn't fully grasp until only a few years ago) second-best is NEVER EVER enough. I would have done far better as a free bitch. In fact, I am a free bitch, baby, thanks to growing up with Madonna.

And speaking of being a free bitch, baby...

While Madonna told me to express myself as a girl, Gaga tells me to embrace myself as a woman. A white woman. A sexual woman. A stubborn woman. An autistic woman. A quirky woman. A jealous woman. A broken woman. A lost woman. These aren't all positive qualities. But baby, I was born this way. However we were created, it could not have possibly been a mistake, so why should I hide these things about me that others find not-so-great as if they were mistakes? I can never truly love myself if I am overly concerned with how others perceive me. You are the only person who has the right to say who you truly are. Lady Gaga's message in this song doesn't apply to just women; everyone can be on the right track to loving themselves by realizing that being born this way is the greatest gift of all.

You can say what you want. Lady Gaga doesn't care if you think her song is unoriginal and if it the situation were flipped, Madge would totally not give a shit. And you know what? When the snow starts to thaw and I'm driving home from school or work with my windows down having a little dance party in my car, It just will not matter.

I should take a cue from Gaga. The only way I can survive is to accept and embrace who I am and make it all work for me. Instead of hiding in reget, I'm gonna learn to love myself and I'll be set.

I WILL NOT BE A DRAG, I WILL BE A QUEEN!

(Or a drag queen, but that's a whole other post coming soon this week!)