Sex blogger and journalist (also, my first cousin) Rabbit White has declared February 22 to be Lady Porn Day. Rabbit says that, "At it’s heart, this is about celebrating pornography and masturbation." Lady Porn Day provides an opportunity for all who are interested to discuss, explore, and share personal porn experiences, philosophies, and opinions. I am honored to be a part of the Lady Porn Day team.
This post contains content that is not normally seen on my personal blog. I discuss my personal and private (until now) experiences with pornography, masturbation, and my own sexuality. Consider yourself warned.
I was not always someone who was interested in porn. Pornography was never discussed in my home or in my sex education classes. I was left completely in the dark. Despite my regular teenage masturbation habit, I developed the idea that if porn was not discussed amongst women, then it must not be worthwhile. Having no one to talk to, I just assumed that everyone masturbated the same way I did: late at night, under the covers, squeezing my eyes shut and holding my breath, terrified that someone would hear me or burst into the room.
Eventually, curiosity got the best of me. I saw my first “Skinemax” flick on a lonely evening when I was about 17. I watched one sex scene, felt that special tingle in my jeans…and promptly turned off the flick and headed to bed. I had never seen something like that, something so brazenly open about the act of sex and all of its pleasures, so I was confused by how aroused I was. This was the first time that I had been aroused by visual stimuli rather than spontaneous curiosity and exploration.
My late-night encounter was a revelation. I wanted to explore this type of arousal further, but being a timid teenager with no resources, I felt my options were limited. For several years, I found pleasure and enjoyment in what I had access to: TV series on DVD. I had a penchant for developing hard-core crushes on television characters. Why not turn these silly teenage crushes into masturbatory fodder? I would have been more than happy to have any of the men from CSI dust my body for evidence, Spike was more than welcome to ravage me in his Sunnydale crypt, and mounting Sam Seaborn in the Roosevelt Room was never out of the question.
I’ve gotten much more comfortable with searching for porn since then. I regularly cruise cable TV for delicious soft-core porn. The introduction of On Demand cable into my life has enhanced my porn-viewing habits, and now my brain holds a database of titles, production companies, and performers. My favorite movies are always there, day or night, waiting for me.
It’s taken years of self-exploration, but I have finally realized what elements of porn turn me on: ambiguity and genuine pleasure.
If something has a mystery about it, I find it sexy. This love of ambiguity is precisely why I have never been able to get into hardcore porn. I don’t want to see everything. The in-and-out of penetration feels amazing, but in my opinion, a closeup of said penetration looks unpleasant. I’d rather let my imaginative mind wander. This is why I find erotic literature so effective. The descriptive language allows me to take the reigns in visualization. Every time I read an erotic short story, I envision myself and whomever I see fit to fill the role(s) of the lovers. That’s the beauty of ambiguity—you can fill in the blanks to fit your desired interpretation.
Genuine pleasure is a major element for me. I’ve seen my fair share of porn performers ooh and aah their way through a scene and it just doesn’t work for me. I’d rather see a female performer’s face contorted in pleasure, her body convulsing, her breath shortening. You see, when I watch porn, I look for that genuine pleasure so that I can live vicariously through her. If it appears that a performer is trying to “look sexy,” I’m not into it. I want to look at a female performer and think, “Whoa. That looks like fun.” Witnessing genuine pleasure inspires me to pursue my own genuine pleasure.
Today, I feel no shame about the role porn plays in my life. Porn is about exploration. Not just exploring the world of pornography and sexuality, but exploring YOURSELF. What intrigues you, what makes you feel a connection. Building a relationship with porn is a full mind-body experience. Exploring my sexuality through pornography and masturbation has not only given me a sense of self-awareness about my body, it has also given me the strength to assert myself, to say, “This is what I want in my life. This is what makes me feel powerful and in control.”
So today, I can say with confidence that my relationship and experiences with porn are important, empowering, and most importantly, they are mine. No one can ever take away from me, and that is pretty fucking sexy.
Great Post! Thanks for getting personal :)
ReplyDeleteYour experiences are exactly the same as mine! Great to hear someone talk about it :)
ReplyDeleteStraight male here, and it sounds like I largely share your taste in porn.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of stuff out there is not so much pornographic as gynecological or ... urological? Medical, anyway. Or strictly mechanical - pistons, cylinders, pumping. And 'faking it' in porn is about as interesting as it is in real life, i.e. it gives me an instant raging soft-on.
That's the worst thing about porn, the lack of honesty. I'm not concerned that I'm not as 'big' as the porn star, any more than I'm concerned that I'm not as tall as a basketball star. Breast implants look cartoonish and absurd to me... some part of the male brain (not excluding women, just offering my personal experience) is programmed to notice the curve of a woman's breasts, the way they move, and exactly how they yield when, for instance, you embrace each other close and you can feel them pressing on your chest... and fake breasts are NOT EVEN CLOSE to triggering that circuitry. Similarly, I think most people know when the mood and magic are just right, that line right between keeping it together and totally losing it, and the way people actually SOUND different when that is happening - that warm glow in your chest, the way your breathing becomes slower and slower despite how fast your heart is racing, the dreamy way that changes your voice... and OH OH OH FUCK ME FUCK ME YES YES YES UH-HUH UH-HUH might as well be a different language for all it communicates of real experience. Enthusiasm is great, but hearing a woman fake it, in real life or in porn, is almost insulting. If you want something to be different, COMMUNICATE this to your partner; real communication is more of a turn-on than any fake noises could ever be.
And on that note, I will reveal The Secret to beauty, attractiveness, and sexiness: it's not what you do or don't wear, it's not perfume or make-up, it's not making noises you THINK he'll interpret as "you're doing a great job, by all means continue"... it's nothing the magazines in the checkout aisle will ever admit, and it is So. Fucking. Simple.: A happy woman is beautiful. A happy woman is sexy. A happy woman who is sharing that joy and sexiness with her partner can make him feel so blessed that he will pity the poor bastard in the porn flick who is getting every last possible bit of sex except the one bit that matters.
Ben - that is awesome what you wrote here! With every year I believe less and less in such guys like you, but you just made my faith a little stronger. Thumbs up and all the best women to you; or just one best :D
ReplyDeleteHello ...!
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Hey, Ben here again.
ReplyDeleteAfter the initial buzz in 2011, I was really hoping that LPD would change things. Show people that it is okay to talk about porn and sex without fear or shame or whatever other ridiculous taboos have been attached to every aspect of this most basic of human experiences: sex, love, pleasure, intimacy.
My wish that LPD would become an ongoing thing was partly altruistic, and partly selfish. The altruistic bit is that talking about this stuff is healthy, but bottling it up in shame and fear is incredibly unhealthy... I'd like to live in a world where people can talk about the things that matter to us all without fear of condemnation or ostracism. And both women and men need to be able to talk about it, with friends and with each other. This nonsense where men and women don't talk to each other just leaves people feeling unfulfilled and alienated. So many relationships end because there isn't enough communication... people seem to find breaking up and hoping the next person will automatically know what they are feeling easier than mustering up the courage to just communicate what is important to them with the person they are already with. It's weird; I don't get it.
The selfish reason I wished LPD would become a regular thing: the porn I like is closer to what women like, so women sharing the things that turn them on often points me in the direction of stuff I will like. The images I like most often don't have 'sex' in them at all... they are more like a snapshot of a story, an index to sacred memories, fantasies that might become sacred memories in time, or stories that make me wonder what is going on inside that we, as outside observers, don't see.
(Talk vs walk: some of my favorite images: http://imgur.com/a/p6rY8/all . NSFW, but most of the pics wouldn't be considered 'porn' by most people. Nothing you can't un-see. My two favorites, which should be the first two: the woman looking through the fence - I winder what she is looking at? - and the woman with the book - I wonder what she is reading?. I'm really wondering what they are thinking and feeling, which... I mean, I don't know what other people think sex is for, but for me it's about reaching that point where you both know what the other person is thinking and feeling, and can share that space, and the joy of that sharing, and the intimacy of being able to share that space without fear or reservation.)
In most porn, they never talk with each other (they sometimes talk *at* each other, but communication is not their goal); they almost never smile; they never laugh; they don't communicate; they don't play. I used to think I was broken for considering these things important. Like the 'not talking' thing, the sex in a lot of porn is being done 'at' each other; intimacy is not the goal. Huge turn-off for me.
So I'm asking Lady Porn fans: help! Keep the dialogue or monologue (monoblog?) going. It does help women. It helps men, too... a good place to start the discussion, if they can't figure out a way to start on their own. And (I think) it introduces some people to the idea that communication really *is* important... even people who claim to know that already but don't actually do the work.
It's late, I'm rambling. Thanks for keeping this page up; I hope we see many more, with even broader goals, in time.
- Ben