Ordinary Joy: Puppies and BFF's

This blog is part of a series of posts that chronicle my participation in Reverb 10. Reverb 10 is an online event that encourages its participants to reflect on the past year and gear up for what's to come in the next. A prompt is given each day to fuel some personal reflection. Although I'm a little late on starting the challenge, I'm still looking forward to 18 days of honesty, acceptance, and growth.

December 27 – Ordinary Joy

Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?  (Author: Brené Brown)

I experience profound joy in ordinary moments every day with my Weetzie Dog. I feel a maternal love when I find her curled up in her doggie bed outside my door. I take joy in looking at her sweet, sleeping face and her tractor-esque snores. I love kneeling in front of her, knowing that she will immediately wiggle over and crawl into my lap, burying her head in my chest. Her existence makes me indescribably happy. She's getting a little old for her breed, so in 2011 I plan to cherish every moment I have with my baby.

She doesn't like pictures very much. Or Christmas.

I also experience profound joy yesterday when I received a surprised visit from my best friend, Alyssa. We've been friends for 10 years, since we were locker partners in the 8th grade. Now that Alyssa is a graduate student at NYU (my best friend is sooooo impressive), we only see each other a couple times a year. I cherish every visit with her and I have been known to drop EVERYTHING when this girl calls and want to swing by really quickly.

Yesterday's visit was so special. My family was getting ready to go to my dad's house for dinner and a gift exchange when our house phone rang. The caller ID listed her number and the three women in my house screamed with joy, "ANSWER THE PHONE, GET IT GET IT OMAGAAAAAH." (We are not subtle women.) Long story short, Alyssa was on her way over and we managed to convince her to come with us to my dad's for a quick visit which turned into a three-hour visit.

Something about having Alyssa at a family Christmas gathering was so incredibly powerful. Talking with her and watching her integrate herself into the situation with such grace reminded me how lucky I am that not only that she is in my life, but that she chooses to let me be a part of her life. She is the strongest, coolest, friendliest woman I know. It is rare that I feel truly comfortable with people, but something about Alyssa's presence melts all of my anxiety away and allows me to be myself. She is one of the few people who have seen the real me without all the barriers I put up and she loves it. Her visit yesterday reminded me that I do have the ability to communicate as myself, not as a character that I create for a situation.

Profound joy and acceptance from an ordinary visit from a friend. I couldn't ask for a better Christmas gift.

From left: My sister Sam, Alyssa, moi

My week in bullet points: December 20-26, 2010

Merry Belated Christmas, y'all! Holiday activities have affected my blogabilities, but I still lived this week, so here's a recap of my week, just in case you missed it.

• Being busy with last-minute shopping and Christmas activities interrupted my participation in Reverb 10, but here are the posts I did complete: Beyond Avoidance, Future Self
• Justin and I drove back home from So-Ill/Kentucky. The drive got kind of terrible around Champaign thanks to awful snow and awful drivers, but we made it better by stopping at one of the adult superstores advertised on the side of I-57. The place looked like it would be a dump and totally creepy but IT WAS NOT, I SWEAR. This place had some high-quality products and the employees were tremendously helpful and professional. I was thisclose to venturing into a video booth, but I lost my nerve. I would recommend this place to travellers if I knew where the hell it was.
• I missed this week's lunar eclipse because of two factors: 1. the intense fog that hung over the Chicago area that night and 2. my tendency to fall into a coma-like slumber after popping a few sleeping pills. (Don't worry, guys, I have a legit prescription for legit insomnia. My pill popping is doctor recommended.)
• Went to the mall three days before Christmas. I don't understand the point of bringing a child under the age of TWO to see Santa at the mall. The babies are crying and overtired, the moms are frustrated and crabby, and the mall Santas have to hold some stranger's creaming baby. NO ONE WINS IN THIS SITUATION. Except for me, as it makes an awesome people-watching opportunity.
• I baked chocolate oatmeal candies AND I DID NOT SCREW THEM UP. They are now all gone.
• Christmas Christmas Christmas. Spent Christmas Eve with Justin's Greek family and I ate until I thought I was going to die. Christmas day with my family and today an extra gathering to spend time with my dad. I also got a surprise visit from my best friend (more on that tomorrow!)
• Finally, I learned that blogging is apparently a great way to tell your family members what you want for Christmas. My dad saw the post where I mentioned that a friend sent me a link to a Boba Fett tank top/underwear set and he totally got it for me. The internet rules.

Future Self: The big picture doesn't need to be scary

This blog is part of a series of posts that chronicle my participation in Reverb 10. Reverb 10 is an online event that encourages its participants to reflect on the past year and gear up for what's to come in the next. A prompt is given each day to fuel some personal reflection. Although I'm a little late on starting the challenge, I'm still looking forward to 18 days of honesty, acceptance, and growth.

December 21 – Future Self.

Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)  (Author: Jenny Blake)

Who do I want to be? What do I want from life? Where do I see myself in 5-10 years? I try to avoid these "big picture" type of questions. I'm all about thinking and planning in baby steps as I find thinking further down the road stresses me out. I tend to focus on insignificant details, so when planning something big for the future, the amount of details that will haunt me is incalculable. On top of that, the expectations that come with making these long-term plans are overwhelming. My thinking seems to be that if I don't meet these long-term goals, I will be a failure.

Wow. Failure. I want to shake myself right now. "Really, Kait? You think that if you don't follow through with long-term plans in the exact manner you initially set down, you will have failed?" This black-and-white thinking is doing nothing but preventing me from ever making big plans for my future. I can't live my life afraid of what could go wrong or how I could disappoint someone. It's almost as if I see making long-term plans as something I do for others and not for myself. Instead of setting goals for myself, I'm mapping out my life to my parents, loved ones, and mentors so they know what they can expect from me. Often, I think maybe I feel pressure to make plans that appease these people, plans that will make them stop asking questions.

Maybe it's time that I change my perception of a long-term goal. A long-term goal needs to be something that I set for myself, something that will benefit ME. Instead of saying that in five years, I hope to be married or a mother or have this job and live in this house, I want to set a goal that has more to do with healing and developing a better sense of myself. In five years, I hope to be a woman who can see the big picture without crumbling or falling apart.

In order to do this, it is imperative that I stop being overly concerned with others' perceptions of my choices. I must remember that when I'm making plans for myself rather than others, the only person who can produce stress is me. I am the one in control and I think that my Future Self would be proud of this attitude, regardless of what tangible accomplishments she may have.

Beyond Avoidance: The dangers of "should"

This blog is part of a series of posts that chronicle my participation in Reverb 10. Reverb 10 is an online event that encourages its participants to reflect on the past year and gear up for what's to come in the next. A prompt is given each day to fuel some personal reflection. Although I'm a little late on starting the challenge, I'm still looking forward to 18 days of honesty, acceptance, and growth.

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)  (Author: Jake Nickell)

My initial response to this post is, "...ugh." Right off the bat, I'm struck by the word "should." I remember being told in a group therapy session that one step to healing our lives was to erase the word "should" from our vocabulary. At first, I remember being a bit confused and not understanding what this would help. I should be polite to be people. I should clean up after myself. I should send people thank-you cards. These were all positive things attached to that mysterious S-word, so what was the problem?

Now I understand. The problem was that I had only applied "should" scenarios to the future tense. I had neglected to think about the PAST tense. "I shouldn't have kissed that guy." "I should have been more honest with myself and others." "I should have worked harder." When I apply the S-word to the past, all I come up with is regret. And now I understand what the therapists were telling us.

The S-word can be a dangerous thing to play with. In the past, it reminds us mistakes made or roads not taken. We regret our actions and become obsessed with the great "What If's" of life. I try not to think about regret. I know myself and when I start on a regret train of thought, my mind goes to negative places. Instead, I'd rather find the positive in any situation that I may regret. I firmly believe that I can learn something from every experience, even if what I learn is along the lines of, "Well THAT was a mistake, I'm never doing that again!"

As far as future should's, I'm thinking I might want to avoid those as well. They imply doing something that I don't want to do or that other people expect me to do. I want to enter 2011 knowing that I am making my own decisions. Even if my decisions end in a less-than satisfying situation, I can say that I made the decision for myself AND that I learned from it. I want to stop doing things just to please others. I want to continue to push those negative thoughts of regret out of my mind. I want to shed the emotional burden of "should."

My week in bullet points: December 13-19, 2010

Here's a summary of what happened in my life this week, just in case you missed it.

• Started my participation in the Reverb 10 challenge. I was almost two weeks late getting started, but I've a lot of fun so far! Check out this week's posts: Action, Appreciate, 5 Minutes, Friendship, Lesson Learned, Try
• FINISHED THE SEMESTER. Now four weeks of winter break!
• Attempted to do all of my Christmas shopping in one day. HA! I did most of it, actually. People are horrible and I avoided THREE possible car accidents.
• Got a a lovely badge of praise from Scandal In The Choir Loft for my post about a particularly bad piece of advertising.
• Justin and I traveled to Harrisburg, IL and Lousville, KY to visit family. I'm tired, so I'm going to summarize in bracketed sentences. Highway ice pellets. Penis in a stocking. Daquiris at noon. Majestic Southern Indiana landscape. Vomiting in a hotel room. CHEESECAKE. Awkward comments about getting married. Swindled by a buffet. Excellent getaway.

It's 10:00 and I'm exhausted. I'm not going to get to today's Reverb 10 prompt. I did think about the prompt in the car, though. I just don't have anything concrete to write/I JUST WANT TO GO TO SLEEP. I'll get back in the game tomorrow.

Try: Revisiting that bucket list

This blog is part of a series of posts that chronicle my participation in Reverb 10. Reverb 10 is an online event that encourages its participants to reflect on the past year and gear up for what's to come in the next. A prompt is given each day to fuel some personal reflection. Although I'm a little late on starting the challenge, I'm still looking forward to 18 days of honesty, acceptance, and growth.

December 18 – Try

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

I don't really feel that my reflection on this prompt can be limited to just this past year or the coming year, but on my life as whole. I have always been timid and very anxious (almost fearful) about trying new things. I assume that I won't enjoy something new or that it won't be a worthwhile experience. One of my goals, not just in the new year, but in the future as a whole, is to keep my mind open about new experiences. This was my intent when I created my bucket list of 30 Things To Do Before I Turn 30. It is a list of things that I have either been too afraid to try or didn't think I was able to try. I've already completed two items on the list, and I will be keeping the rest of the list in my mind as I enter 2011.

Check out my bucket list posts:

30 Things To Do Before I Turn 30

Starting a daily yoga regimen

Getting a tattoo

Lesson Learned: Kait IS Strong!

This blog is part of a series of posts that chronicle my participation in Reverb 10. Reverb 10 is an online event that encourages its participants to reflect on the past year and gear up for what's to come in the next. A prompt is given each day to fuel some personal reflection. Although I'm a little late on starting the challenge, I'm still looking forward to 18 days of honesty, acceptance, and growth.

December 17 – Lesson Learned

What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?  (Author: Tara Weaver)

This is going to be a quickie since I'm on a family trip and I'm pretty tired.

I think the best thing that I have learned about myself this year is that I have a lot more strength and resilience than I give myself credit for. I always tend to think of myself as "soft" or "delicate" or "kind of wussy." Two events from 2010 prove that I may not be any of these things:

1. The great First Date/Speech Tournament All-Nighter of 2010. One weekend in January, I over scheduled myself a bit. On a Friday, I was judging a high school Speech tournament from 4:00 to 7:00 and then going on my first date with Justin immediately afterwards. The next day, I needed to be at school to run the ballot table for our own Speech tournament at 7 AM. Long story short, I stayed out on my date until 5:00 in the morning and never got any sleep between Friday and Saturday, so I was up and doing a stressful job for 35 hours straight. Before that weekend, I would never have thought that I could stay alert and complete all my required tasks with no sleep like that. But I did it. I was able to push myself through those bouts of exhaustion and I made it through that 13-hour tournament in one piece. I was exhausted at the end of the weekend, but the fact that I was able to push myself proves that really can do incredible things under pressure.

2. My first tattoo. I put off getting my first tattoo for about five years partially because I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to stand the pain, that I was too much of a wussy-girl to take it. Well, I definitely proved myself wrong. My experience getting a tattoo was more uncomfortable than it was painful. I winced, but I didn't cry. I didn't need the tattoo artist to take a break. It seemed so silly that I had assumed it would all be terribly unbearable. It was so easy that I know I'll be getting another one.

In 2011, I need to remember these two events every time I assume that a task is out of my reach. I have amazing capabilities when it comes to handling stress, discomfort, or any kind of unpleasant situation. I need to stop assuming that I can't take it, thereby avoiding strong challenges. These feats of inner strength shouldn't be as rare in my life as they currently are. I can only grow if I push myself, and I fully intend to do that in this next year.