Friendship: These people changed my life

This blog is part of a series of posts that chronicle my participation in Reverb 10. Reverb 10 is an online event that encourages its participants to reflect on the past year and gear up for what's to come in the next. A prompt is given each day to fuel some personal reflection. Although I'm a little late on starting the challenge, I'm still looking forward to 18 days of honesty, acceptance, and growth.

December 16 – Friendship

How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?  (Author: Martha Mihalick)

As an adolescent, I had a tendency to bond with teachers and mentors. I was incredibly mature for my age and had difficulties connecting with other people my age and felt that I connected better with those who had 15 extra years of life experience. These individuals not only provided natural and fulfilling conversation, but they also gave me support, encouragement, and advice that my age-appropriate friends simply couldn’t. Despite being so connected to these people, I was never quite comfortable with the label “friend.”

This year, I can honestly say that I have developed friendships with my speech coaches, Lauren and Chris. Being a 23/24 year old on a team comprised of (mostly) 18-20 year olds, I sometimes feel like an odd duck. After joining the team, I quickly remembered that awkward disparity of maturity; I was a 35-year-old trapped in a twentysomething’s body, too out of tune with my own age group AND the age group represented by my team. Thankfully, my coaches recognized this and we quickly clicked.

Over the course of a year, my relationship with Lauren and Chris has followed a gradual trajectory of roles and scenarios. My friendships with them have developed into ones that provide me with unconditional support, flowing conversation, true understanding, and a sense of openness and honesty. As teachers, they are willing to help their students one-on-one during office hours, but as friends, they will go above and beyond the call of duty. They will respond to your dinner time (and later) texts to help you deal with a personal issue and offer you a place to stay if you ever need to get away. I can never thank them enough.

The student-coach aspect of our friendship has given me something special. The support and encouragement they give me has changed my perception of myself. Chris and Lauren believe that I am a capable, talented and caring woman...and they have convinced me to believe it as well. Knowing them has given me confidence and strength I didn't know I had.

It is my friendship with them that has made the woman I am at the end of 2010, ready to take on 2011 fearlessly. Every good thing from this year I earned because these amazing people helped me and became my friends. I hope they know how fulfilling our friendship has been for me. Words cannot express how thankful I am.

5 Minutes: Every moment counts

This blog is part of a series of posts that chronicle my participation in Reverb 10. Reverb 10 is an online event that encourages its participants to reflect on the past year and gear up for what's to come in the next. A prompt is given each day to fuel some personal reflection. Although I'm a little late on starting the challenge, I'm still looking forward to 18 days of honesty, acceptance, and growth.

December 15 – 5 Minutes

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.  (Author: Patti Digh)

I want to start by saying that I thought I would be typing furiously, trying to get all the important memories out in five minutes. When I actually set my timer, I found myself drawing blanks or remembering events that I thought weren't important enough to be captured (a couple weddings, summer trips, things like that.) I'll get to that in a minute, but here's what I did deem important to be captured:

• My first date with Justin. I want to remember that despite how nervous we were and how adorably awkward everything was, the night still felt comfortable. So comfortable that I stayed out until 5:00 in the morning (with no funny business!)
• Big moments on the Forensics circuit. Specifically breaking 2 events into Open Finals at State as a first-year competitor and winning Novice CA at the Norton this fall. These things prove to me that I am talented in this activity.
• Watching Justin interact with my cousins' kids for the first time. It tickled me that the babies love him and that my 9-year-old cousin notices how nice and friendly he is.
• Being in Company this summer. It was such a professional and talented cast. I want to remember the unconditional camaraderie of the cast and the fact that I eventually believed that I deserved to be a member of that cast just as much as everyone else.

The things I listed were sort of light bulb-y/self-actualization moments. I listed things about 2010 that made me feel good about myself or my life. As great as these things are, I think I need to realize that events that didn't have those big realization moments are just as important to capture. Things like dancing in a bar, singing Lady Gaga on road trips, slow dancing, or getting duped by a carnival worker are still memories that deserve being held into for a very long time.

In 2011, every moment will count.

Appreciate: People who HAVE people are the luckiest people

This blog is part of a series of posts that chronicle my participation in Reverb 10. Reverb 10 is an online event that encourages its participants to reflect on the past year and gear up for what's to come in the next. A prompt is given each day to fuel some personal reflection. Although I'm a little late on starting the challenge, I'm still looking forward to 18 days of honesty, acceptance, and growth.
December 14 – Appreciate

What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?  (Author: Victoria Klein)

I find that I have come to appreciate people this past year. Living with Asperger's, it is sometimes difficult for me to understand the purpose of having people constantly in your life. I have a tendency to shut people out and keep to myself. I find it difficult to ask for help or assistance, partly because I want to prove myself but also because there is a part of me that doesn't understand that the people in my life would not view helping me as a burden.

I have immense appreciation for the people in my life (family, friends, peers, coaches, directors) who support me without question and allow me to burst into their lives from time to time, ranting and raving about who-knows-what. I appreciate anyone that has supported me and given me praise and encouragement this year, whether it was in regards to theatre performances, speech competitions, or blogging endeavors. The people who say, "YES YOU CAN!" are a huge part of what pushes me forward in what I do.

Despite truly appreciating what I have been given, I have difficulty showing my appreciation. It's that whole "give-and-take" thing that Aspy's lack, not just in conversational eloquence, but also in those mysterious unspoken social interactions. Things like love, support, concern, empathy. As an adult, I can now accept these things in my life and process them, but showing my appreciation and gratitude is still difficult. Reciprocity has been a great place for me to start. I support those who support me, I assist those who assist me, etc. However, I still find myself wondering, "Are there other ways I can show my appreciation other than mirroring what is given to me?" This is probably common sense for neuro-typical adults, but it is a concept that does not come as easily to me.

I have a tugging need to thank the amazing people in my life who support me. A simple "thank you" won't cut it. There's got to be something more, right?

So in the next year, I'm going to continue in my growth. I will continue to let people in and appreciate the fact that they honestly want to be a part of my life. Hopefully, I can find a way to communicate my appreciation to them. Perhaps the best way to start is to make them proud. I want to keep doing the things that make people believe in me. While I have to remember to grow for myself, I think it's more than okay to have those other people in the back of my mind when I'm working towards my goal. The people who say, "Keep going, you can do it," because I appreciate their love, friendship, and support more than anything.

Action: Time to grow up and chase that dream!

This blog is part of a series of posts that chronicle my participation in Reverb 10. Reverb 10 is an online event that encourages its participants to reflect on the past year and gear up for what's to come in the next. A prompt is given each day to fuel some personal reflection. Although I'm a little late on starting the challenge, I'm still looking forward to 18 days of honesty, acceptance, and growth.

December 13 – Action

When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?
(Author: Scott Belsky)


This is a very timely prompt for me, as it allows me to briefly reflect on a very recent decision concerning my plans for the coming year.

I've been fumbling towards some semblance of a future for five years now. I've attended two colleges with two different majors: English Education and Communications. Despite being put on the conveyor belt of institutionalized learning, I never felt comfortable. Nothing in my academic endeavors has inspired a passion to keep going. I've have felt as though I've been living a purposeless life with no end in sight.

Thankfully, I have recently discovered a passion for something, something that fuels my fire. Writing. I feel strong and at ease when I'm writing. The sense of accomplishment I feel either when completing a written piece or receiving praise on something I have written is indescribable. Writing is my sole creative outlet and opens the doors of honesty in a way that even years of talk therapy never could.

Writing is my aspiration. I want to spend the rest of my life writing with a purpose. I have dreams of writing online columns, reaching thousands of people with my words and my thoughts. I dream of being paid to do the thing that makes me happy, the thing that lifts the heavy weight from my chest.

So I've got ideas, but how do I make them happen? First, I have decided that my state of stunted adulthood is hindering my ability to grow into the future self I desire to be. It is because of this that I will not be returning to school in Fall 2011. I want the opportunity to work and write as an adult, to hold a steady job, to have adult responsibilities. I feel that living as an adult, rather than being perpetually 20 years old, will better assist me in achieving my goals. I also need to commit to taking the time to write every day. Even if the only writing I do is in a personal journal, it is an important habit that I need to develop. Finally, I need to put myself out there. I plan to do this by maintaining a steady posting habit here, submitting pieces to other sites, not being afraid to contact other bloggers, and finally, scraping together the cash to attend the BlogHer 2011 conference in San Diego this August.

Realizing what I want in life is freeing, but I cannot forget how important is going to be to follow through on these plans and to never doubt myself. Being bold and fearless in the early weeks of 2010 allowed me to gain confidence in my abilities as a performer and public speaker by putting myself out there. I'm going to use that same brazen attitude in 2011 to prove myself as a writer, a blogger, and an amazing adult woman.

My week in bullet points: December 6-12, 2010

Here's a summary of what happened in my life this week, just in case you missed it.

• I studied. A LOT. I think my brain has liquefied and startd dribbling out of my ear.
• I blogged about my first tattoo.
• I emailed blogger and Boobquake creator Jennifer McCreight to tell her that my speech about the Boobquake had taken first place at three consective Speech tournaments. Not only did I get a nice email back, but she gave me a little shoutout on her blog. Wheeeee!
• Justin and I went to a karaoke place and pretty much sang to an empty bar. Awesome because we got to do whatever we wanted, lame because we sang a lot and our throats hurt.
• Sent a message to a first-grader who had been bullied for her love of Star Wars.
• A friend sent me a link to an item that I tooooootally think someone should get me for Christmas because, let's face it, I just may have a Boba Fett-ish. ;-)
• Went to two family functions with Justin. I learned something about myself. When playing Outburst, I am a coveted team member when the category is "Famous Jackson's" and I say things like, "Jackson Pollock!" When playing Outburst, I am not a coveted team member when the category is "Things You Find In A Garage" and I say things like, "Fugitive criminals?"
• Found a photo of me on the internet that I forgot I had posed for. This was my costume in Company. Yeah. This is exactly why straight guys needs to do theatre. They are missing out on some very excellent and sexy things.

The Force is with all of us.

Back in November, blogger and adoptive mother Carrie Goldman found herself consoling a bullied child. With the rash of teen LGBT suicides, one might not be surprised. However, Carrie's daughter, Katie, was not a teenager being bullied for her sexuality. Katie, an adorable first-grader, was being bullied for having a Star Wars water bottle. Hoping to give her daughter some words of encouragement that weren't strictly parental, Carrie invited her readers to leave comments on her blog reminding Katie that being different is okay and that Star Wars is in no way "just for boys." The response to Katie's story was so overwhelming that Carrie had to shut down comment posting on that post and redirect her readers elsewhere to hare their stories.

As with most blog-related causes these days, this one was granted a day of observance on Facebook. So welcome, friends, to Support Star Wars And Geek Pride For Katie Day. Today, anyone who wants to support Katie is encouraged to show geek pride in any way they can and, at the request of Katie's parents, donate toys to a charity. Today, I am proudly participating by wearing one of my two Star Wars t-shirts (I may change halfway through the day, JUST FOR FUNSIES!).

I also want to participate by sharing a letter to Katie, as I feel Katie and I endured similar experiences as children.

So hello, Katie. My name is Kait and I love Star Wars. I've loved everything about the Star Wars universe since I was a very little girl. The characters, the creatures, the grand adventures, it's all so much fun! When most girls my age were memorizing the lyrics to popular songs on the radio, I was memorizing the number of the trash compactor that Luke, Han, Leia, and Chewbacca jumped into to escape Imperial Stromtroopers (if memory serves me correctly, it is 32638something7). Because of this, I had a hard time making friends and connecting with the other girls in my class.

I don't remember the kind of direct teasing that you have experienced, but I do remember feeling very out of place. No one wanted to talk about how brave Luke Skywalker was. No one appreciated the Yoda puppet that my parents topped our Christmas tree with. It was very lonely to be a Star Wars fan and a 10-year-old girl. What I want you to know is that even though I felt lonely as a kid, that loneliness did go away. By junior high, I had made friends with boys who liked Star Wars almost as much as I did. This must seem like a long time to wait, so my advice is this: don't wait. Don't put off happiness. Don't try to change who you are to please your classmates. I guarantee that if other kids can't appreciate you the way you are, they are going to make really lame friends. If you want to carry around a Star Wars water bottle, do it with pride! You are so blessed to have a unique personality and wonderful, supportive parents who allow that personality to thrive.

Katie, I wish that I could meet you and give you the biggest hug and show you all the of the Star Wars stuff that I have collected in my life. I want to tell you that to me, you're like a real-life Yoda: an amazing inspiration in an unexpectedly small package. I want you to know that as girls, we can be girly and geeky. But most importantly, I want you to know that being true to yourself is the most important skill you can ever have. It's a skill that no bully can ever take away and I hope that someday you realize how impressive a human being you are to say you had that skill as a first-grader.

So stay strong, stay true to yourself, and remember that The Force will be with you. Always.

30 Things To Do Before I Turn 30-- #2

This post is weeks overdue. I apologize, being a full-time student doesn't leave a whole lot of time for blogging.

It does, however, occasionally provide me with free weekends to cross something off my bucket list. A few weeks ago, my dad got me my birthday gift: a tattoo.

I've been toying with the idea of getting a tattoo for about five years. I can remember exactly when the idea popped into my head. I was visiting my cousin on a spontaneous post-breakup trip to Chicago when I thought that a Star Wars tattoo on my lower back would be really cool. If I had money on me, it's entirely possible that I would have gotten it that weekend. Being broke and afraid of pointy needles, the dream was put on hold until the necessary funds (and cajones) came into my life.

Fast forward to September 2010. After reading my bucket list post, my dad informed me that he would get me tattoo for me birthday so I could cross something off my list. With the financial backingand backing and the guarantee of a hand to hold, I was ready!

So what design would I brand into my flesh? After careful deliberation, I chose this:

This is an insignia on the shoulder armor of the biggest BAMF in the Star Wars universe: Boba Fett.

Why this? The reasoning behind getting a Star Wars tattoo was two-fold. Firstly, I love the films. Being an awkward, nerdy kid, the original trilogy was a huge part of my childhood (and included a hard-core crush on Luke Skywalker in the fourth grade). I feel that by putting a Star Wars image on my body, I am saying, "No matter how much makeup I have on or how chic and sophisticated I may look, I am still just a nerdy girl at heart. Nothing can change that." Of all the images I could have chosen, I chose Boba Fett's because I hope that the bad ass attitude that The Fett possesses will help me be a strong, ballsy woman.

Secondly, a Star Wars tattoo is my way of thanking my parents. My parents raised me on Star Wars, Monty Python, and the entire 1980s Eddie Murphy film canon. I like to think that because of the awesome stuff my parents exposed me to an early age, I turned into a totally unique and awesome adult. Sure, I was a weird kid whose interests were far different than her peers, but that pales in comparison to the life I have now. I proudly wear this tattoo as a thank you and an inspiration.

So that's my tattoo story. The experience was far less painful than I had imagined it would be and I can definitely see myself getting another one in the future.




This is easily the most unattractive photo of me EVER.



A work in progress...

Is it wrong that I thought my bloody "bandage" was so cool?

The finished product.